What a scatter brain I can be. Yesterday I picked up three books on meditation at the library. One of them, The Attention Revolution: Unlocking the Power of the the Focused Mind, by B. Alan Wallace, Ph.D., looks very promising.

All at the same time that I’m reading Mystic Quest: An Introduction to Jewish Mysticism by David S. Ariel, Jewish Meditation, By Aryeh Kaplan, and two partially finished works of fiction I’ve been on-again/off-again with for months. That’s 7 books!!! And that doesn’t include the countless other partially read works downstairs in my library or the book Hippie, which I also took out of the library yesterday.

I’m so on the fence about all this. Should I be working harder to stay focussed and finish one thing before going on to the next? That’s the constant refrain in my head. “You’re so disorganizized. Can’t you stick with any one thing long enough to finish it?!!!” This kind of self berating is totally unhelpful, of course. Could it be that wandering as the spirit moves me has value too? It certainly seems valid to say that I can suck whatever juice I feel I need or want from one source and then move on to the next.
Just as finishing what you start has merit, so too does allowing intuition to propel the spirit container to the next place.

And yet it does seem something is missing when I float aimlessly like I do. And in the times that I’ve toughed it out and taken things the din road — just do it — there also seems to be something missing. There is value in discipline and there is value in letting things flow. My strongest belief is that in the INTEGRATION of polar opposites lies truth and beauty. There must be some unifying element that can help a person like me bring together the structure/discipline side and the intiuitive/creativity side. Finding that link between these two sides of my personality has been a problem for me for years. In some ways, I feel like I’m closer to the answer than ever. At least I’m finally articulating the question. Maybe all this pursuit of meditation is a good next step. I actually sat in meditation this morning for about 15 minutes.

I have a strong suspicion that this link — this magic integrator that allows strict justice and and merciful kindness together — is the key to answering more than just my problems, but the disunity and disjointedness of all of humanity. All of the world.

And so we search for God.

© All material Copyright 2009 by Foxx Falcon

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